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The canvas of life
Learn to love your own walls and paint them with colors
Portrait: Illustrator and mural-artist in Sri Lanka
Marcelle is the first person who I met upon my arrival in Sri Lanka in our shared accommodation. She introduces herself as Marce and I later find out that she and her good friend are doing a workaway for an indefinite time – a stay abroad organized via an online platform of the same name. This enables people to travel for longer periods at low cost. A few hours of daily work are exchanged for free board and lodging.
Marce is wearing eye-catching glasses (of which she owns several pairs), bright red lipstick, large hoop earrings and a cap. Not only does she look like a casual and colorful bird, her personality is also multifaceted, as it turns out over time. As soon as other tourists come together and start talking, it is she who leans back, relaxes and watches the hustle and bustle. She doesn't say much, doesn't add her two cents to everything, and doesn't seem to feel the need to constantly have to express her opinion. As it is well known that still waters run deep, she piques my interest. I learn that she will be painting the wall of the café adjacent to the property. The next day, when I walk down the short path to the café, I see Marce already sitting in front of the wall: she is singing to the music that comes from a small loudspeaker and nodding her head to the beat. In between, she dips her brush into a paint pot. Marce doesn't notice that I'm already behind her. When she sees me, she smiles and turns down the music on her tablet. She is in the process of painting the illustration of a crow on the wall, the contours of which she has drawn on with white chalk, to be painted later with black paint. Splashes of paint are scattered on her face as well as on her clothes. In the course of our conversation there will be more. Again and again she takes a few steps back, tilts her head and examines her picture.
“[...] We were always painting and used to paint things together: houses, figures, canvases, decorations, etc. There have always been a lot of creative people around me. So I grew up in a creative world.”
South Africa: creative influences
Marcelle Dominique Versteeg (29) was born in Johannesburg, South Africa. In the early years of her childhood, her family often moves – there is no permanent place of residence. Her last home is in Jeffreys Bay, Eastern Cape. She starts drawing and painting at an early age. "I've always painted and enjoyed creative pursuits ," says Marce. Her mother is an interior designer and her aunt is an artist. "My father, too, always built and manufactured something with his hands. We were always painting and used to paint things together: houses, figures, canvases, decorations, etc. There were always a lot of creative people around me. So I grew up in a creative world," says Marce, describing her adolescence. She realizes pretty quickly that she wants to study graphic design in order to become an illustrator. She is enthusiastic about her course, but gradually gets bored of South Africa. The call to discover the big, wide world is got louder in parallel to the growing monotony of home.
The last time she was in her home country was four years ago. Her mother and sister are still in South Africa, her father lives in Mozambique. "I miss my parents, but there wasn't enough in South Africa for me to stay. I don't want to give up the lifestyle that I am currently living. I'm not ready to go back yet," says Marce when asked if she was homesick. She repeatedly twitches at her two black braids, adjusts her glasses and looks at her illustration on the wall.
Living and traveling abroad for long periods of time does not seem feasible for many for financial reasons. But through Workaway, Marce can realize her dream. "I didn't grow up rich, my parents were separated and we didn't have much – there wasn't a real family structure," says Marce, and is grateful that this type of activity enables her to travel long-term in the distance. As a result, she learns early on what it is like not to have a permanent home base. The frequent change of accommodation while traveling is easy for her. She even enjoys redesigning the rooms in the different places over and over again.
“[...] I just can't do something I’m not passionate about.”
Korea and Vietnam
Marce sets off at the age of 24. She and her boyfriend at that time end up in Korea – for the first time far away from home, a country that is completely foreign and exotic to her. Because of the work visa it turns out to be easy to work there as an English teacher. The call to discover doesn’t fade: after a year, both travel to Vietnam – but she stays here longer than planned (five years), which is largely due to Covid-19, and continues to work as an English teacher. However, this job turns out to be a wrong decision: She does not feel comfortable in her role as a person of authority that is required of her. The job does not correspond with her passion and nature. "The work was bad for me. The children didn't take me seriously, I wanted to be a good friend rather than a strict teacher," says Marce. The Vietnamese teachers did not understand that she wanted to incorporate a different approach into her classes in order to reach the teenagers. "The teaching wasn't satisfying enough for me. I was unhappy with what I was doing and saw no point in continuing with teaching. I just can't do something I’m not passionate about," Marce describes looking back and pauses. "If teaching isn't your passion, it can get pretty intense and tough," she adds. She quits teaching at this point and ends up being offered a job to do cover art, illustrations and layouts of English textbooks for the very company she was teaching for. She then moved on to becoming an illustrator for various clients and animation companies in South Africa.
“[...] And then I made a decision to change something.”
Standstill
"My life is strange. Things happen for me somehow. When things no longer feel right to me and seem to be going in the wrong direction, once I have decided that something no longer works for me, the world opens up spaces for me to do what I am actually meant to do – it is like manifestation," says Marce describing the course of her development. To make this manifestation clearer, she describes her visa problem in Vietnam: With her work visa, she could no longer stay in the country. At that time she had a full time job for an illustration and animation company in South Africa. As a result, she is given the choice of either taking a job in Vietnam or emigrating. "I wasn't ready to leave the country yet because I had no plans of what to do next," says Marce. So she stays in her comfort zone and takes on a job as a teacher again and quits her full-time job as an illustrator – the visa dilemma was solved for the time being, but not her soul plan. Teaching online feels even more strange than before. "I had done that before and I just didn't like it – I just shouldn't do that," explains Marce, shaking her head about herself. She returns to a situation that she knows will make her unhappy. It is the brief feeling of security that does not create satisfaction in the long term: insecurity and mistrust overcome basic trust. Due to the lockdown resulting from Covid-19, she is literally locked up in Vietnam with a job that pulls her down and a partner with whom she had grown apart – everything around her seems like one gray and far too high wall, so that it lacks foresight and perspective. "I felt like I was stagnating completely. During this phase, however, I just started painting the wall in my apartment – that was a few months ago. And then I made a decision to change something," says Marce. She finally quits the teaching job, leaves her boyfriend and decides to do the workaway – no matter where. She breaks through the walls of her melancholy at the moment when she paints her own wall and then decides in favor of Sri Lanka. "Everything actually happens for you. But you have to get to a point where you are strong enough to allow yourself to let go of the things that are terrifying you. You have to overcome your fears," says Marce, proud that she has overcome her own walls and left her illusory comfort zone. She landed on the island nation in the Indian Ocean, just because it all started with painting a wall in her apartment out of a feeling of stagnation and monotony. In doing so, she realizes: "That is my passion. I want to be creative," beams Marce.
“[...] If I feel good and like it, then I’d like to make the place even more beautiful and in this way show gratitude for the time there.”
Mission: painting walls and giving
It's the first week for Marce in Sri Lanka. She not only wants to get to know the country and the people and immerse herself deeply in the culture – she also has a mission: She wants to paint and beautify the walls in the respective places where she is. Here in the Bed & Breakfast it is a crow carrying a surfboard under its wings. The words "Hari Hari" are written above the crow. They mean something like "ok, ok" or "alright" in Singhalese. "It's the first Singhalese word I learned here and I hear people say that all around me. I like the sound and the way it's used, it's cool. And also, there are so many crows here that are crowing all the time," laughs Marce, looking relaxed and free. She finds inspiration in her surroundings. She goes into co-creation with her intuition and her environment, whereby she not only expresses herself creatively, but also makes her contribution to the brand or the image of a place. According to Marce, a brand is so much more than just the intention of attracting people or generating sales. It's not about marketing a place, but about a guiding principle and to understand the why – the intentions of the people behind the brand and how it has been brought to life. "Small businesses usually arise out of a passion for what they do. And I would like to support that aesthetically by visually beautifying the place – in my own way," explains Marce. So far, she has always asked the owners of bars, cafés or accommodations whether she can paint their exterior walls. She regards wall art as a kind of "esprit" of the place where she is staying. This includes the owner of the business as well as the employees who help there and ensure a sense of well-being. "I have to feel the whole atmosphere of the locality. If I feel good and like it, then I’d like to make the place even more beautiful and in this way show gratitude for the time there," explains Marce.
She works on the wall illustration for a total of four days: after breakfast, she immediately goes to work on her artwork with a coffee cup in hand and only leaves it when it gets dark and she can no longer distinguish the colors and contours. It is her fourth mural. The first was an experiment in Vietnam – which resulted in a concrete mission to continue doing murals. She goes back a few steps, goes back to the wall, does fine-tuning in some places and takes a dry cloth to carefully dab off the dripping paint. She would never have considered it possible to paint walls – especially not in foreign countries. It even sometimes feels like too big of a project for her. But with each new mural, her self-confidence is growing. Marce likes to be with herself while doing her work and enjoys the process of creation. There is something very rewarding about this activity: on the one hand, it is a pleasant individual activity that enables inner contemplation, and on the other hand, your work of art connects by bringing people together. Every now and then people come by, stop, look at the picture and you get into a casual conversation – it's a warm, interpersonal interaction, even if it is short.
As she cleanly applies her brushstrokes on the wall, Marce says that she sometimes gets caught in a spiral of thought. She thinks about many things and when her thoughts get lost in a negative direction, she has difficulty gaining distance. "When I paint, this spiral ends and it helps me to break through and channel thought loops. The work relaxes me, it is meditative," she explains. A collective idea is what drives her to give something back and make a contribution to society: "It makes me feel more like a part of this world when I leave something behind and give something at the same time, instead of just making a drawing for myself. Painting the wall somehow has more meaning to me," says Marce, underlining her motivation. If one day she has made a name for herself in the mural scene, she hopes for paid assignments. However, it is important to her that everything happens naturally and that her motivation is always driven by her own passion and not only monetarily.
“I try to let things unfold naturally, not to want too much control. Previously I used to want to have more control and less uncertainty and I've learned to let go of that.”
Inspiration and creativity
Marce finds inspiration while traveling and tries to integrate her experiences and cultural elements into her artworks. She likes changes – new environments, people and influences and leaves her own colourful traces in the process. When she sees a suitable wall, an image often arises in her head of what might fit this place and the people. When an idea becomes more concrete, she asks the owner whether he or she is open to her suggestion. If she gets the green light, Marce creates a mockup on her tablet. "You always have to remain open to changes or suggestions. I like to work and create together with other people," says Marce. For her current mural, for example, she went with the owner of the accommodation to buy different paints and utensils. Such encounters and joint activities create a deeper sense of connection with the locals and residents that go far beyond ordinary travel experiences. "It is an authentic way of getting to know Sri Lanka and the locals more intensively," explains Marce appreciatively. When I ask her why she specifically decided in favor of Sri Lanka, she replies that visa matters for a workaway were best there, because with her South African passport this is often not easy. Vietnam in the end marked a phase that was dominated by stress, insecurity and dissatisfaction. Now she feels alive and light. There is no longer monotony, instead colours, joy and diversity. She's no longer worried about her job as an illustrator as she used to be, because she trusts that opportunities will open up when the time comes. "I try to let things unfold naturally, not to want too much control. Previously I used to want to have more control and less uncertainty and I've learned to let go of that," explains Marce, who would like to work as a freelancer. At the moment she doesn't know how long she will live in Sri Lanka. She definitely wants to work for a few more months, paint walls and then move on – where to, that's tomorrow's worry.
Another aspect that we talk about is the subject of paid jobs, which have a not inconsiderable influence on creativity and inspiration. According to Marce, these can quickly become entrepreneurial, which means that in the end not much might remain of the free creative process due to the financial pressure. But she is fine with that, it's a part of the game for her. However, she makes sure that she advances her personal work and tries to integrate her own ideas into assignments. She doesn't want to let the feeling of frustration and emptiness in her job as a teacher ever happen again. "I haven't left my home country to get stuck in a 9-to-5-job with work that doesn't fulfill me," emphasizes Marce. "Drawing and creating is my passion. To me it means work, although it doesn't feel like work at all. Even if you are tired, you still enjoy it and you tend to lose all sense of time", says Marce, describing her feeling when illustrating. Regarding her work, she hopes that all of her current endeavors and investments in her own art will one day pay off and that she will always be driven by passion. "I don't think I'll ever get bored of painting walls. I can keep doing this until I am 80 years old", says Marce, who struggles for a long time to find the right words: seeing her own work on a large area of a building is humbling. Marce uses the word "create" very often in her remarks. Although she appreciates nature, she also enjoys city atmospheres and likes to help shape it creatively. " I like to run around in the jungle or walk on the beach, but I really love walking through a colorful city and looking at the creativity of the people," explains Marce. For Marce, creativity ultimately means turning one's own life experiences into art – expressing one's own personality and thereby making a contribution to society. It is about being able to take in what one observes and then transform it into one's own form of expression or voice. It is explicitly about emotions: "You draw what you experience as something that makes you feel – regardless of whether it makes you laugh or makes you sad – it makes you feel," she explains. Basically, Marce likes all styles – she has not settled and wants to learn from other artists as well. She believes in cooperation instead of competition. She also dreams of learning how to tattoo at some point.
“The development of my works reflects my transformation. I need to embrace, stand by, and be proud of who I've become. Even if I don't like some of my work anymore – that's me.”
A question of style
Marce doesn't want to commit to just one style (like some other artists) and tries out new things again and again. "It took me many years to answer this question: whether I want a specific style that is recognizable or whether I want to be an all-round artist who can actually draw anything," explains Marce. Right now she is somewhere in between. "You know, I'm not getting paid for these walls – it's just my passion project and with this I develop a certain style for myself," Marce explains her intention. If she sticks to a single style, it would be boring and monotonous – the playful approach and experimentation with other designs, techniques and colour schemes are the fuel for her artistic creative process – an engine that never stops. "I always push myself to try new things and to break new ground," emphasizes Marce. Her Instagram channel contains many different illustrations – a whole range of different drawings. She confesses to me that she actually wants to delete her old pictures because they no longer meet her requirements. Nevertheless, she deliberately leaves these images on her channel so that people can see her development. At the same time, she would like to encourage beginners in this scene to show that everyone starts small. "The creation of my works reflects my transformation. I need to embrace, stand by, and be proud of who I've become. Even if I don't like some of my work anymore – that's me," explains Marce. Back then she still had an inferiority complex when it came to her own work. She was looking for her own style because she believed that she absolutely needed it. "I thought that I was never good enough for what I studied or what I was paid to do. It took time to relearn this way of thinking," admits Marce. Even as a student, she was criticized for her illustrations by teachers or supervisors in companies, until at some point she understood that these evaluations had nothing to do with her personally, but rather with the ideas and personal preferences of these people. One day she let go of this belief that she had to please everyone. According to Marce, you always have to push yourself and do what makes you uncomfortable. For example, she used to not like it when someone stood behind her and watched while she was illustrating. It felt like being judged – which caused her discomfort and a sense of pressure. Now it doesn't bother her at all and she stays relaxed. The nice thing about her work is, and that actually applies to all areas, that you don't stop working on what you love. As time goes on, your skills get better and better – you evolve the more you try: erase, redraw, erase, redraw.
“[…] But at the end of the day I noticed: hey, I'm alive too. I have to be there for myself too.”
Letting go and self-responsibility
Marce is the artist and designer of her life. She chooses which colors and which picture she wants to see – in life as well as on the wall. She projects her feelings and thoughts to the outside and lets her fellow human beings participate. At the end of the day, when she has made a picture on the wall, she is satisfied and deeply fulfilled. Because she has something to look back on even if the picture is painted over one day, the memory lives on with her. "This picture stays here and I move on. And even if this image doesn't last forever, I know that I will make more art," laughs Marce. Moving on and letting go isn't difficult for her when it comes to her own art, but when it comes to love, it's a little more convoluted.
I learn that Marce has been in a 10 year relationship. When she was 19, she met her childhood sweetheart. They break up a few months before traveling to Sri Lanka. She wants to break out of her deadlocked life – but initially does not succeed. She doesn't have the courage to end the relationship. Her inner voice keeps whispering to her to leave. Her partner is the one who finally ends their relationship together after a decade because he senses that mentally she is no longer fully present. "I wasn't brave enough to end this relationship on my own. I learned how much I got used to being in a relationship," Marce recalls. Her greatest insight she realizes is making decisions that serve her.
Today Marce knows that she is good the way she is. She doesn't need a relationship to feel complete. She chooses self-confidence and self-love over insecurity and fear. "I always felt like I had to help people sort out their feelings and be there for them all the time. But at the end of the day I realized: hey, I'm alive too. I have to be there for myself too," she explains. Realizing this can be an exhausting and painful, but a rewarding development process. Nevertheless, Marce does not regret her experiences at all, because all unpleasant situations and setbacks have helped her to grow as a person. Several tattoos adorn her arms, with the writing on her thighs being particularly noticeable: "Unpack" and "Unlearn". These terms come from psychology. She first became aware of these terms through the South African comedian Loyiso Gola and his stand-up comedy show.
Excursus: Meaning of Unpack and Unlearn
We all carry thought patterns, conditioning, old arbitrary imprints or dogmas with us in order to find our place in the social system. We adapt to get along as best as we can and coexist in harmony. However, many times we are not aware of our conditionings – we have simply adopted them in order to "survive". Our need for attachment and security as well as autonomy and freedom is just as essential – both are basic psychological needs. Maintaining balance here can be challenging. The first years of life are essential for us. The people closest to us – in most cases our parents – are our role models and shape us. Due to our evolutionary and intrinsic survival mechanisms and protective instincts, we have learned to adapt as best we can and internalized belief systems in order to survive. Unpacking refers to becoming aware of these adopted conditionings. Here it is important to question and dissolve ("unpack") your own belief systems. For example, on the subject of adaptation: If a child was raised by strict parents, it can happen that the child suppresses their feelings, such as anger, because they have learned "to always be nice and well-behaved". As a result, in adulthood, the person can hardly differentiate themselves, is very much in need of harmony, tries to please everyone and is therefore extremely adjusted. The internalized belief could be, for example: "I always have to be nice and calm" or "I have to please and not disappoint". Therefore, it is important to go into self-reflection, to recognize the root and to determine where possible trigger points come from and whether they may have been caused by parents or other caregivers etc. The relearning occurs when the "unpacking" has taken place and the source for negative emotions has been revealed. Only through knowledge and awareness of your own systems of belief is it possible to discard your conditioning and acquire new beliefs on the next level. This process requires a sincere and honest examination of one's emotional world. Probably the best-known German psychotherapist and graduate psychologist, Stefanie Stahl, maintains a mantra: "Catch and switch", which roughly applies to this terminology from psychology. The point here is to deal with the questions: Why am I reacting this way? Why am I feeling bad right now? Why is this triggering me now? And then to deal with your feelings in a friendly way, to recognize and let go of negative and foreign beliefs.
Sources:
Book: The Child in You by Stefanie Stahl (ISBN 9780143135937)
Loyiso Gola: Unlearning: www.netflix.com
“Once you realize that something isn't your own truth, you can be an honest and authentic version of yourself.”
Marce always takes the time and space to go through the above process of reflection and to acknowledge her own truth when faced with a problem. Again and again she catches herself internalizing "foreign truths" from her education, past and experiences that are not part of her nature. "Once you realize that something isn't your own truth, you can be an honest and authentic version of yourself," reflects Marce. Such a belief was hidden, for example, in her expectations regarding the relationship: where she previously thought she was only complete and fulfilled in a relationship. Her perception is romantically idealized – influenced by romance in films, literature and the expectations of society. At first she couldn't recognize and accept the fact that it hasn't felt right for her for a long time, that she's moving in a different direction and is pursuing her own dreams. "You're very much influenced by society as to what's considered 'right' – we all do that in a way. And I try not to let myself be influenced so much anymore," says Marce. She was brave enough to dig a little deeper and do a root canal to understand where her behavioral patterns are coming from. The tattoos are considered a reminder and always encourage her to stay true to herself. Marce has recognized her self-worth in the last few months after the relationship ended. "You have to allow yourself to be loved in order to give love. First I had to start with myself," explains Marce. Over time, she has learned to let go of other people's opinions and judgments about her. On her journey so far, Marce reinvents herself completely. She would not have thought that she would feel so relaxed around other people because she thinks of herself as having been quite introverted and antisocial in the past. "It's amazing how much you can change and grow in a few weeks. I no longer focus on things I can’t control but with how I feel. I go with the flow." Her attitude transfers to her art: With the murals, she tries not to force things and often doesn’t have a direct idea of what exactly she wants to draw – it just happens and she trusts her emotions to guide her. The end of everything should always remain open.
“[...] What would life be without a sense of humor?”
Humor and footprints
Marce has not only learned to deal with unpleasant situations with more ease, but above all to take a lot of things with a sense of humor – this helps to look at things from a different perspective . Of course, many of her experiences are painful and her journey to get there have at times been rocky, but she advises everyone to have a sense of humor because, ultimately, life is far too short and sweet to get angry. "Just try to do your best every day and nothing can go wrong. What would life be without a sense of humor?" laughs Marce. I have nothing to add and am silent.
I watch as she makes her final brush strokes on the wall. "You know, life can be painful, but if you look at everything with some sense of humor, even suffering itself, everything can be overcome. It's up to you," adds Marce. She constantly tries to include humorous elements in her illustrations because, according to her, at the end of the day you want to look at something that you enjoy and that puts a smile on your face. It is all a question of your own perception and perspective. Marce has left her old life behind and decided to jump into the flow of life and lets herself glide out into the world in a relaxed manner. She no longer needs a lifebelt – she has started to swim herself and trusts in herself and in life. "It all comes to you when you allow yourself to make things happen," concludes Marce. The final cosmetic flaws are corrected on the wall before she packs up her paint supplies, turns off the music and moves on to another location in a few days. The image is both a thank you and a goodbye. What remains: A footprint – a moment full of devotion as well as joy and the knowledge to leave the world a bit more colorful, brighter and friendlier.
Text and Photos: Katharina Hahn
Photo editing and English translation: Johannes Hahn (Webseite, Instagram)
Publication: 18.02.2022
More infos about Marcelle D. Versteeg: cella_marcy
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